


What He Deserves

by StarlightShimmer



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Confused Bilbo, M/M, Thorin Is an Idiot, Thorin fails at using his words, secret tags for suspense reasons, stories, virgin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:46:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightShimmer/pseuds/StarlightShimmer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bilbo realizes there is truth behind Ori's stories he discovers he has a problem. Fortunately it's a problem with a fairly simple solution. Or at least that's what he thought, but apparently he was wrong. So very wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of Dragons and Virgins

“And then the dragon kidnapped the lovely lad,” Ori narrated with pizazz. Bilbo had discovered during the time he had been traveling with the Company that part of Ori’s job as the Company’s Scribe was to entertain the group with stories. At first they had been few and far between as Ori had been unsure about telling the traditional tales of their people around an outsider like Bilbo. In the early days Ori was often quiet, although Bilbo had discovered that while he had been sticking close to Gandalf Ori had been telling tales to the others. 

However, since Bilbo had saved Thorin’s life the Company’s spirits had improved greatly. Or, perhaps it just seemed like that since Thorin was no longer so grumpy. Or, maybe it was just because Bilbo himself was in such high spirits. After all, and he could admit it now, he had been longing for the king since he had first stepped foot in Bag End. Bilbo had never expected to fall for a dwarf - he had never expected to even meet a dwarf - but then he supposed Thorin would likely say the same thing about hobbits. Honestly, when he had seen all the other hobbits courting in the Shire he never understood the appeal, but then Thorin had stepped through his door and he felt a strange urge to make him homemade meals and flower crowns. He had, of course, squashed those feelings down, not only because he had thought the king would never notice him as anything other than a burden, but also because they were rather impractical for adventuring. And while he had been right on the second point, Thorin certainly noticed him as something other than a burden now.

Bilbo had certainly been surprised when Thorin had pulled him aside that night on the Carrock and confessed to having feelings for him. Surprised, but thrilled. And Thorin was, also much to his surprise, rather open with his feelings. At nights around the fire Bilbo found himself seated close to the king and during the days they often walked side by side, Thorin holding his hand. At first Bilbo had been embarrassed thinking the rest of the Company would laugh and while he did not mind them laughing at him (too much) he could not bear the thought of them laughing at Thorin who was supposed to be their king. 

However, no one had laughed despite the presumably odd picture the two of them made. Although Gloin had gone on about his wife for rather longer than Bilbo or anyone else in the Company really appreciated.

One thing Bilbo had discovered that he quite enjoyed about the stories Ori told was that despite the fact that every second one seemed to have a dragon in it, the gender of the main character was not fixed. In the stories of the Shire it was always stories of helpless lasses and the lads that saved them, but apparently that was not the case for the dwarves. 

“At first the dragon planned to kill everyone, but we all know about dragons and virgins and this particular lovely lad was a virgin, his beard only just beginning to come in” Ori continued. 

“Wait, why does the dragon always kidnap the virgins,” Bilbo asked. He had not actually noticed that trend in Ori’s stories before the Scribe had noted it, but thinking back he realized it was the case.

“Dragons are drawn ta virgins laddie,” Dwalin said, “Can smell ‘em from miles away.” 

“They’re like treasure to them,” Nori chimed in, “Like a particularly shiny bit of gold.”

“I’m just curious how that convention developed,” Bilbo said, “We have stories like it in the Shire too. Although it’s always lasses getting kidnapped there. How odd that such a particular story trait would span both of our cultures.”

“Well it’s not odd at all,” Ori said with a smile, “Since it’s based on truth.”

“Kind of weird that it’s just gals in your neck of the wood though Mr. Boggins,” Kíli said, “Everyone knows that male virgins have a stronger scent to dragons.”

Bilbo felt panic wash over him. Panic like he had not felt since he was reading the contract back in Bag End. Sure the trolls were frightening and Azog was terrifying, but he could honestly say that the dragon was by far and above the most intimidating thing about this quest. And now his companions were basically telling him he was going to be like a homing beacon to the monster. That was really not something he wanted to hear.

It was not that he was particularly attached to his virginity, no. And it was not like he had not had offers in the past. However, the fact remained that this was potentially a problem - and a very embarrassing one at that. He had thought about engaging in those activities in the past and he had had offers from both lasses and lads in his time, but he had never really seen any reason to do so. He was perfectly happy alone with his books. Or he had thought he was. Then the Company had burst in through his door and he had realized how lonely he was.

That however was neither here nor there. The fact of the matter was that he had never tumbled with anyone and apparently that meant he was going to be part of a dragon hoard. And though he supposed that might have been infinitesimally better than being dragon food he would really prefer to not be either. 

He knew the dwarves around him were listening to the rest of the story Ori was telling and he knew he was being rude by ignoring the tale, but he had rather more important things to think about at this juncture. He glanced at Thorin beside him. The dwarf was handsome and Bilbo fully expected the two of them would have a physical relationship in time, but it now appeared that the time they had was limited. Of course they were still quite a distance from the Lonely Mountain, it was certainly not dire as yet, but it made Bilbo nervous all the same. 

At the current time their relationship had not gone further than holding hands, whispering sweet words to each other under cover of darkness, and huddling together at nights to keep the chill away as they no longer were in possession of their bedrolls. And Bilbo, for all that the hobbits of the Shire would likely be scandalized by his impropriety on running off on an adventure, would certainly not be pushing for anything more physical when the rest of the Company would surely know exactly what was going on. Oh no. Certainly not. 

In the days following Thorin’s confession Bilbo had found that the king was intense about everything in his life and apparently that now included Bilbo. He had in fact worried at first that Thorin would push for them to be more physical in front of the Company, but Thorin had been a right gentledwarf. Bilbo had no idea what kind of culture dwarves had when it came to relationships, but if Thorin was any indication it was as proper as a hobbits. And Bilbo, for his part was perfectly content to allow Thorin to lead. That is what kings do after all, they lead. 

But then these were not exactly the usual circumstances Bilbo reasoned. And he may not be a king, but he was a Baggins of Bag End and deserved all the respect a proper gentlehobbit did. Which, he highly doubted the dragon would respect. And if Thorin was as fond of him as the king claimed to be then surely he would not want Bilbo to be kidnapped by a dragon either. 

“You alright there, Bilbo,” he heard Bofur ask jovially.

He shot the cheerful dwarf a smile. “Of course. Just thinking.”

No, it simply would not do. The conversation would likely be greatly embarrassing, but he needed to talk to Thorin as soon as possible. But privately. He could only imagine the teasing he would be forced to endure if the princes found out about his predicament. Or Dwalin. He would be the laughingstock of the Company. 

It was settled. He would pull Thorin aside that evening and explain the situation.


	2. We Need to Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo gets up the nerve to tell Thorin about his problem.

As soon as they stopped for the evening Bilbo felt his heart speed up. Thorin had not called a halt until it was already dark. Gandalf had told them they would likely be able to spend some time recuperating with one of his many friends, but the Wizard had said that his friend was likely still a half day away. 

Gandalf had also mentioned that his friend was not particularly fond of dwarves, but Bilbo suspected he was the only one who had heard that bit. And he had seen no reason to worry the rest of the Company. Thorin was still healing from the attack after all and some time to relax would do them all some good.

“Fíli, Kíli,” Thorin ordered, “Scout the area. Make sure we’re alone. Nori and Bofur, you’re on firewood duty. Bombur, get a start on dinner.”

He was sure Thorin was still barking out assignments, but Bilbo had stopped listening. After all, Thorin never gave him any assignments. Bilbo had asked, but while Thorin had at first insisted he was too soft to help, the king now insisted on keeping him close. Right now the closeness was simply making Bilbo nervous though. He knew he had to tell Thorin about the situation, but knowing it and doing it were two very different things. 

“Bilbo,” he heard Thorin’s voice gruffly in his ear, “What are you thinking about?”

“Oh,” Bilbo said, flushing red, his voice in a higher register than was normal for him, “Not much. Just, you know, the Quest.” It was not technically a lie. What he was thinking about was related to the Quest in a round about way. 

“Come,” Thorin said, “Sit with me.” Thorin dragged him to where Balin was starting a fire as Nori and Bofur kept returning with their arms full of firewood. “You are shivering, my hobbit.”

It was not from cold he was shivering this time, but he had not yet gathered the courage to speak to Thorin about his problem so he simply let himself be encircled in the kings arms. Besides, he reasoned to himself, if he pulled Thorin aside now there would be far too many questions. He would do it after they had eaten when the Company was more distracted. 

Bilbo did not answer Thorin. The dwarf had not exactly asked him a question after all. Instead he just revelled in the feel of Thorin’s muscular arms surrounding him. If he could spend the rest of his life in his arms he would only be too pleased.

“Are you alright, sweet one,” Thorin asked him. “I would have you tell me if something is wrong.”

Bilbo shook his head. “Nothing is wrong,” he said slowly, “I am just thinking.”

“Yeh’ve been quiet all day,” Dwalin said joining them by the fire, “Not that I’m complainin’ mind.” 

“Are you feeling alright, Bilbo,” Ori asked him, wide eyed.

“I’m feeling fine,” Bilbo said, trying to keep the irritation from his voice. The fact that the dwarves were worried about him was sweet after all. They did not know what was worrying him and he was really quite thankful for that. 

“Well if he says he’s fine then he’s fine,” Thorin grumbled though Bilbo could not figure out why he sounded so aggrieved. In comparison to many of their nights on the road it seemed to be a rather calm one. And they were nowhere near elves so Bilbo thought the king would be in a better mood. 

“How about another story,” Kíli spoke up, breaking the tension. He and Fíli had returned from their scouting and the food Bombur was making smelled pretty good considering they had lost all of their rations in the goblin caves. 

“Perhaps I could help Bombur,” Bilbo muttered. He did not mean to insult anyone, but he did not really want to hear another one of Ori’s stories that evening. 

Thorin’s arms tightened around him. “There’s no need for that,” Thorin said, “He’s capable on his own.”

“I like to cook Thorin,” Bilbo admitted, “It’s not a chore for me. And then you all can enjoy the story and before you know it I’ll be back with food.” Thorin looked like he wanted to say something, to keep Bilbo close. “Please,” Bilbo murmured, “I miss it.” Thorin’s gaze softened and he removed his arms from Bilbo’s waist. 

“Do not be too long.”

Bilbo quickly joined Bombur where he was cooking on a secondary fire. It was a chilly night and so they had created two fires - one for cooking and one for the Company to huddle around for warmth. Bilbo missed the warmth of Thorin’s arms, but he was grateful to be out of range of hearing of Ori’s story. He had heard enough stories about virgins and dragons for quite a while. 

“What can I do for you Master Hobbit,” the dwarf questioned as he approached.

“Um, I’m here to help,” Bilbo said, “With dinner.”

“That’s not your usual role around here,” Bombur said.

“I like to cook,” Bilbo murmured, “I hope that’s alright. I mean no offence of course.” Bilbo knew he was rambling so he simply looked at the dwarf hopefully. 

“Well, a second pair of hands is always useful,” Bombur said, “You’re always welcome Master Hobbit.”

The two of them set back to work in silence. Only murmured suggestions or instructions passing between them. Bilbo had not spent much time talking to Bombur, the dwarf did not seem to be the most talkative, but Bilbo was thankful for the wordless acceptance the redhead gave him. And cooking was a welcome distraction from the swirling thoughts that had been plaguing him for most of the day. 

*

“I’ll take first watch,” Thorin announced late in the evening. Bilbo had still not spoken to the king about his problem. He had been trying to work up the nerve all night, but had had no luck so far. Thorin was assigning watch duty to several of the dwarves, Bilbo knew he would not be included among them. It was however not unusual for Bilbo to join the king in his watch even if he would likely not be much help. 

The two of them sat in companionable silence as the rest of the dwarves settled in to sleep. Bilbo knew he had to speak to the king and that this would be his best chance, but he wanted to make sure they were not overheard so he needed to wait until the rest of the Company had fallen asleep. 

Bilbo had found early on in their adventure that the dwarves fell asleep quickly. And he was not disappointed this night as they did so again. 

“Is everything alright,” Thorin asked him bluntly, “I waited until the rest of the Company was asleep because I know you like your privacy, but you have been distracted today and I worry.” 

Bilbo was surprised. It was not that he thought Thorin oblivious, but he rather thought the king would be pleased for Bilbo to keep his silence. Bilbo knew he had spent most of the beginning of the journey complaining after all. 

“I,” Bilbo started, “Well, I suppose everything isn’t alright.” Bilbo could feel his face heating up as he tried to figure out how to approach this delicately. He felt Thorin’s arms tighten around him.

“What is it?”

Bilbo took a deep breath. “See, it’s about Ori’s stories. Just, please let me finish Thorin,” he cut the king off before he could say anything, “Ori’s a wonderful storyteller, but well, the um, the thing is. Well, um were you paying attention to the conversation today. About, well virgins?”

“I pay attention to everything that happens in my Company,” Thorin said, his eyebrows furrowed. Bilbo had been hoping the king would be able to piece things together himself, but subtlety was not exactly Thorin’s area of expertise. 

“See, um, well I know my job is to sneak past the dragon, but, um according to Ori’s stories that seems unlikely to work,” Bilbo said, hoping the king would understand what he was driving at. But Thorin looked, if possible, even more confused. Bilbo knew he would have to say something soon though or else whoever was on next watch (possibly Dori?) would awaken and he would have an audience for his confession. “Thorin, I’m a virgin,” Bilbo muttered in a rush as quiet as he could and still have the dwarf hear him, “and I don’t want to be part of a dragons hoard. So… I need to deal with that.”

“I see,” Thorin said.

“Obviously not right now,” Bilbo said wringing his hands, “but well, before we reach the mountain.”

“I understand,” Thorin said brusquely, “I need time to think, my hobbit.”

“Right. Of course,” Bilbo said, “Erm, I’ll just go wake Dori, shall I?”

“Nori’s got the next watch.”

“Right. Nori.”


	3. At Your Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo has a day full of surprises.

“Good morning, my hobbit,” he heard the king rumble in his ear the next morning. The two of them had fallen asleep on with Thorin’s furs on top of them as was usual. Thorin had said nothing further about Bilbo’s confession, but Bilbo supposed the king simply needed time as he had said.

“Good morning Thorin,” Bilbo murmured rolling away from the king, “We’d best be getting up. Hopefully we’ll make it to Gandalf’s friends house.”

It was not long until they were on the road again. However, Thorin had taken to walking with Dwalin which he had not done since the Carrock. Bilbo found himself walking with Nori in companionable silence. He hoped that it was not obvious that he missed the king, but he did.

“So Master Burglar,” Nori said with a sly grin, “Want to learn some tricks of the trade? You’ll want some tricks up your sleeve if you’re going to steal from the dragon.”

“What on earth would you know about stealing,” Bilbo questioned the star haired dwarf. He did not really know much of what the dwarves had been doing since they had left Erebor, but somehow he could not imagine thievery being their number one occupation. 

“Why do you think Dori doesn’t want me hanging around Ori,” Nori said with a shrug, “I did what I had to in order to help my family Master Burglar. I’m not sorry I did what I did. But if I can help you at all I’d be happy to.”

Bilbo looked at Nori and the dwarf looked more unhappy than Bilbo had ever seen him. “Nori,” Bilbo started.

“It’s alright,” Nori said, cutting him off, “as I said, I’m not sorry. I did what needed to be done. For Ori.”

Despite being an only child Bilbo recognized the look in Nori’s eyes and the steel in his voice. Nori clearly loved his younger brother with everything he had. 

“Alright,” Bilbo said firmly, “If there’s anything you can show me on the road I’d be grateful.”

The next while passed as Nori led Bilbo in games which the dwarf said were designed to train his eyes. 

“The best skill a burglar has is his eyes,” Nori said authoritatively, “There’s going to be a lot of gold and gems in that mountain Master Burglar. I didn’t see much in the way of treasure back in your hole so it might be a little overwhelming, but you’ve got to look sharp. Keep your wits about you. What was the color of the flowers we just passed?”

“It was cornflower,” Bilbo said, used to these questions now, “It was blue of course.”

“Good eye. Good memory.”

“Thank you,” Bilbo said.

“That must be Gandalf’s friends place,” Bilbo cried as a house came into view.

“That it is,” Gandalf said, a twinkle in his eye, “Wait here. All of you.”

The Company came to a halt and Gandalf hurried ahead. Bilbo wondered what kind of welcome they would get. He also wondered what kind of friend it was this time. After Radagast he did not know what to expect. 

“Master Hobbit,” Bilbo jumped when Dwalin’s rough voice sounded much closer than he would have expected.

“Oh, Dwalin,” Bilbo said, a hand to his chest, “You surprised me. Um, what can I do for you?”

“Just a reminder that I am at yer service,” the warrior dwarf said and Bilbo could not help but think the dwarf was attempting to smile at him. Far from being reassuring it was, in fact, rather intimidating. 

“Um, alright,” Bilbo said, confused, “Well, yes, and I suppose I am at yours. Though I do not know that I would be able to help with much. Perhaps dinner or a nice cup of tea…” Bilbo trailed off happy that Gandalf had returned. “Dori could I speak with you?”

He hurried away from the warrior to the older dwarf. After all Nori had done for him that morning the hobbit hoped to give the thief a chance to spend time with his younger brother and for that Dori needed to be distracted. 

“What can I do for you Mister Baggins,” the older dwarf asked as Bilbo hurried to his side.

“Um, well, it’s Bilbo,” he said first, “But um, I hear you have a taste for tea.”

“That I do Mister - Bilbo,” Dori said, the two of them falling into step. Bilbo did not know if Nori would take the opportunity to walk and talk with Ori, but Bilbo hoped he would. He did not want to look around in case Dori figured it out.

“Well, I just, I didn’t know dwarves were all that fond of tea,” Bilbo said, “Is it common among your people then?”

Dori looked at him, seeming to think. Finally the dwarf nodded sagely as if he had received an answer to a question he had not asked aloud. “I used to run a tea shop in the Blue Mountains,” the dwarf said, “Tea is not really a common drink of dwarves, but there are some of us who enjoy the drink. Enough that my store continued to operate and provide for Ori and I at least.”

“Oh,” Bilbo said.

“But I imagine that you’re interested in the tastes of our Company,” Dori said knowingly, “There are a few among us who enjoy tea, Bilbo. Myself, Ori, Balin, Bifur, and Dwalin though he’d never admit to it.” Dori chuckled. “And Thorin used to like tea before,” Dori said, “hasn’t drunk a sip since the dragon though. Says it’s a weak drink for tree shaggers. But coming from a hobbit…” Dori shrugged. “It isn’t my place to comment on your courtship,” the dwarf said, “but I imagine he’d accept near anything coming from you.”

*

Beorn’s home was pleasant though much too large. The skinchanger (for that is what Gandalf had said the man was) had called him a bunny which he did not much like, but other than that had left them to their own devices. 

Bilbo and Bombur had taken over the kitchen after Beorn had told them they had free reign. The skinchanger himself had left with Gandalf, the two warning them not to leave the house. Bilbo had not had such a kitchen at his disposal since they had left Bag End. He had tried to find one in Rivendell, but had simply gotten himself hopelessly lost before being rescued by Lord Elrond’s daughter Arwen. 

“It smells good in here,” Dwalin’s voice broke into Bilbo’s thoughts. The warrior dwarf made to steal a piece of meat from Bilbo’s pan and he smacked the warrior’s arm with the spoon he was holding. 

“It will not be much longer,” Bilbo scolded him, “Surely you can wait. I’ll even make sure you get the first share.” Bilbo would have laughed if he did not think it would anger the dwarf. Dwalin’s face looked like it could not decide between being disappointed, pleased, or confused and seemed to be doing all at once. The dwarf grunted and retreated however so Bilbo supposed he had accepted Bilbo would not be changing his mind.

Bilbo, never one to break a promise took the first helping to the warrior. 

Dwalin was sitting alone, caring for his weapons. It was nice to see that the dwarf could be gentle if the situation called for it and he treated his weapons with what Bilbo would almost categorize as reverence.

“Well, here’s your share,” Bilbo piped up brightly, “Very first as promised.” He put the food down when he realized the dwarf was not going to put his weapons down. “I’ll just leave it here then.”

“Stay,” Dwalin ordered gruffly.

Bilbo was disappointed, he had hoped to eat dinner with Thorin, but he knew he could not afford to be ignoring the rest of the Company.

“Alright.”

There was silence. Bilbo knew that Dwalin was not the most talkative of dwarves, but since he had asked for Bilbo to stay the hobbit had been expecting some conversation. 

“I brought your dinner,” Thorin said with a smile that made Bilbo’s heart skip a beat. His face fell however when the king retreated to speak with his nephews leaving Bilbo alone with Dwalin once more. 

“Yer a good cook,” Dwalin said. The first words the dwarf had said.

“Oh, well thank you,” Bilbo said, surprised, “I’m not really that good though. I mostly just enjoy it. My dad was a wonderful cook though and he taught me a few things.”

“I meant ta say somthin’ back at yer house,” Dwalin said, “Yeh shouldn’ speak so low of yerself, hobbit. Yeh got to know what yer good at.”

Bilbo was surprised, but years of living among hobbits had the pleasantries kicking in automatically. 

“I thank you again,” Bilbo murmured, “You take very good care of your weapons.”

“Aye.”

“I, well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so gentle,” Bilbo admitted.

“I can be gentle,” Dwalin said lowly and turning to face him, “I’d have ta be with a little mite like yeh.”

Bilbo felt his face heating. Certainly Dwalin could not be saying what he seemed to be, but the dwarf really was impossibly close. Bilbo scurried backwards away from the dwarf and suddenly realized that none of the others were anywhere to be seen. Beorn’s house was large and he was all alone with the warrior.

“W- wh- what,” Bilbo said, his voice hitting a pitch he had not known it could hit, “Dwalin, what are you doing?” He did not want to ask the dwarf right out in case he had the wrong idea. Dwarves were rather different than hobbits after all. It could just be some strange courting tradition to prove his loyalty or something. Bilbo rather thought the whole saving Thorin’s life would have proven his loyalty, but if it was dwarven tradition it made sense that Thorin, being a royal and all, would be required to follow it. 

“I am rather experienced in this department,” Dwalin said gently, “and Thorin told me about yer problem.”

Bilbo did not think he had ever been so mortified in his life. He had not expected that he would need to explicitly tell Thorin that this issue was a private one, but apparently he had misjudged.

“As I said,” Dwalin said, “I am at yer service.”

“Dwalin,” Bilbo said rather wishing the floor would open up and swallow him, “While it is kind of you to offer I am… That is to say that I don’t… Not that I. Well, erm. This is highly.” The hobbit stumbled over his words wanting to make his point clear while still making sure he did not offend the warrior. He took a deep breath. “I appreciate the offer and I’m sure you’re, um, skilled in that particular department, but I don’t want to, well, erm, tumble with you. No offence meant of course.”

“Right,” Dwalin said. He did not seem to be either disappointed or thrilled by this turn of events. “I understand. I’ll speak to Thorin.” 

Bilbo opened his mouth to say something, but Dwalin was gone. That was by far the strangest thing that had ever happened to him. And Dwalin was not the only one who would be having a conversation with the king.


	4. About Hobbits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is rather cross and it only gets worse.

Bilbo was disgruntled. He had wanted to speak with Thorin privately but the king seemed to be doing his best to avoid him. Bilbo had even been forced to sleep by himself. While he once would have been pleased not to have to share the first bed they had had since Rivendell with any dwarves he had instead found himself disappointed and even missing Thorin’s snoring. He could not even properly enjoy the bed.

He had spent the night tossing and turning and finally given up on achieving a good nights sleep in the early hours of the morning.

“Bilbo Baggins,” Gandalf said greeted and Bilbo could swear the wizard was on the verge of laughter, “What are you doing to those poor vegetables? I thought you’d still be luxuriating in having a bed.”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Bilbo bit out, “and I’m chopping them.”

“Massacring more like,” the wizard said.

“I do have a knife in my hand,” Bilbo reminded him. And what a large knife it was. Everything in this home was just so large compared to him. At that thought he only frowned further.

“My dear Bilbo,” Gandalf said, “What is bothering you? I haven’t seen you this disgruntled since the early days of this journey.”

“Dwarves,” Bilbo said shortly. 

“But I thought you were getting along with them wonderfully,” Gandalf said thoughtfully, “Since you saved Thorin’s life.”

“Yes, well,” Bilbo said with a particularly vicious chop, “They are a rather strange lot. Talkative. For such a secretive people they sure do enjoy their gossip.” 

Where Bilbo had expected Gandalf to make further inquiries he was instead silent, leaving Bilbo to his own devices. Bilbo was pleased. He had had enough of sharing his secrets lately. While Thorin was clearly telling others Bilbo hoped it would at least be limited to the dwarves. The Wizard already seemed to know much too much about everything.

“Bilbo,” a bright voice greeted him and Bilbo took a deep breath. He may have been angry at Thorin, but there was no need to take it out on the others.

“Good morning Fíli,” Bilbo greeted, “I just finished making breakfast and I believe there’s enough for you.”

“You didn’t make enough for everyone,” the golden haired prince questioned and Bilbo shook his head.

“I didn’t know when the others would wake,” Bilbo explained, “Did you sleep well?”

“Very,” Fíli said, “It was nice to have a bed again. I imagine you slept well too. Wasn’t expecting to see you up this early.”

Bilbo chuckled. “You are not the first to say that this morning.”

“Is it a hobbit thing,” Ori’s questioning voice asked as he joined Bilbo and Fíli, “Waking early I mean?”

“I suppose so,” Bilbo murmured, “Got to have First Breakfast after all.”

“First Breakfast,” Ori questioned.

“How many breakfasts are there,” Fíli asked with a grin, “5?”

“Oh just the two,” Bilbo answered.

“Wait, you mean hobbits actually eat more than one breakfast,” Fíli asked and Bilbo nodded.

“First Breakfast is usually rather small though,” Bilbo explained, “I do rather like your dwarven meals, but I do miss Elevenses and Tea though.”

“Wait, just how many meals do hobbits eat,” Ori asked, eyes wide.

“Seven, or at least we do when we can,” Bilbo said placidly, “First Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Elevenses, Luncheon, Tea, Supper, and Dinner.” He ticked each off on a finger as he named them. He looked up when he realized Ori and Fíli were both silent and noted that they both had looks of surprise on their faces. “Everything alright lads?”

“Seven meals,” Fíli said, “You hobbits have quite the appetites.”

Bilbo smiled. “A hobbit is most happy when he is well fed, well rested, and living a life of comfort and pleasure,” Bilbo explained, “Hobbits are creatures of peace. The Shire provides us all that we need so we rarely leave its borders.” 

“Do you regret coming with us,” Fíli asked.

Bilbo shook his head. “No,” he admitted, “Do I sometimes get frustrated? Yes. But do I regret it? No. I’ve seen so much more than any other hobbit and even if my journey ends at the mountain…” Bilbo shrugged. “I will have lived.”

Fíli and Ori looked at each other.

“Well boys, I’m going to go have a smoke,” Bilbo said, “Perhaps I can talk Gandalf into sharing.”

*

Thorin, Bilbo discovered, was ignoring him. 

Bilbo tried not to feel insulted. After all, the dwarf was a king and he had seemed to be in conference with Dwalin, Balin, and his nephews all day, perhaps he simply had other things to do. However, Bilbo was feeling rather offended by the fact that the king had not even acknowledged his existence.

He knew he could not put hobbit courting expectations on a dwarf, but he could not imagine even dwarven courting suggesting ignoring the one you were courting. Or maybe they were no longer courting, Bilbo speculated. Maybe there was something about his confession that made it against dwarven law for them to court, because that was most definitely when this whole thing had started. It seemed like a rather strange thought, but then dwarves were strange. Or maybe his lack of experience simply caused Thorin to lose his interest. 

“What’s troubling you?”

Bilbo glance over to see Bofur take a seat beside him. 

“Oh nothing important Bofur,”Bilbo answered though it was not quite true, “I suppose I simply have a dragon on my mind.” Bofur snorted as he laughed and clapped Bilbo on the back.

“Well you’d have to be crazy not too, wouldn’t ya,” Bofur said with a grin, “You’re not going to faint again though, right?”

“No, I am not,”Bilbo said tightly. He wondered if the Company would ever let him live that particular moment down. He greatly suspected not as they all seemed to find a great deal of humor in the memory. 

“Not going to what,” Fíli’s voice asked intruding on the conversation.

“Faint,” both Bilbo and Bofur said. 

“Well that’s good,” Fíli said, “I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk Bilbo? Beorn said it’s safe enough as long as we don’t wander too far.”

“Shouldn’t you be talking with the others,” Bilbo questioned waving a hand in the direction of where Thorin, Dwalin, Balin, and Kíli still sat talking. 

“Nah,” Fíli said pulling at Bilbo’s arm trying to drag the hobbit to a stand.

“Alright, alright,” Bilbo said shaking Fíli’s hand off, “I can get up quite well on my own. Thank you.” Bilbo had no idea what the prince could possibly want with him, but it was clear that Fíli wanted to talk alone. Had it been Ori Bilbo would have suspected the dwarf wanted to continue the conversation from earlier, but Fíli, while sweet, did not seem to share the Scribe’s curious nature. 

Continuing to prove Bilbo’s suspicions that whatever the prince wanted to talk about was private in nature was the fact that Fíli was completely silent until they were out of earshot of the house. Bilbo was nervous. He knew both Gandalf and Beorn had said they would be safe on Beorn’s land, but he had no way of knowing when the land ceased to be the Skinchanger’s.

“Is everything alright, Fíli,” Bilbo finally asked. Being a proper gentlehobbit he wanted Fíli to have his privacy while still being safe and he did not want to make the prince feel as if he were obligated to talk to Bilbo if he did not want to. 

“Of course,” Fíli said, “I just wanted to know about hobbits.”

“What would you like to know,” Bilbo asked even though he was surprised, “We don’t really have secrets like you dwarves after all.”

“Well, I wanted to know about hobbits er,” Fíli stuttered “Well hobbits and courting and romance and that sort of thing.”

That was, quite possibly, the very last thing Bilbo had ever expected the prince to ask about. 

“What kind of things,” Bilbo asked unsure quite where to start.

“Well, for instance, what does a hobbit do when they like someone?”

“Well, you could ask the one you like to dance,” Bilbo started, “There are a great many parties in the Shire. If the one you favor returns the favor of asking you for a dance it means the feeling is mutual. Or, if there are no parties to be had then you can ask the other to go for a walk. In the warmer months you will often see hobbits walking through the rolling hills of the Shire, their attention all on the other. You can gift the other with flowers or cook them meals. Presenting a hobbit with a handmade flower crown can be a confession of love or send many other messages depending on the flowers chosen.” Bilbo sighed. Even though he cared for Thorin and understood that the king was not a hobbit he had to admit that there were some things about hobbit courting that he would have liked to have. 

Bilbo laughed suddenly when he realized Kíli had shoved a bunch of flowers at him. But these flowers were clearly not freshly picked and looked suspiciously like they had been flattened.

“I knew you would like flowers,” Fíli said with an earnest grin.

“Well, thank you,” Bilbo said, “but where did you get these?”

Fíli looked rather guilty and suddenly Bilbo remembered Ori asking him questions about the different flowers and stopping to pick them. The Scribe said he had never seen these ones before and pressed them into the book he was writing the story of their journey in.

“Fíli,” Bilbo said sternly, “Did you steal these from Ori?”

“I was going to give them back,” the prince said helpfully, “But I wanted you to like me.”

Bilbo rubbed at his temple with the hand that was not cradling Ori’s flowers. “I do like you Fíli,” he told the prince, “There was no need for flowers. Especially not stolen ones.”

“Oh, great,” the prince said, “So, how do hobbits feel about sex?”

Bilbo choked on the air he was breathing. This conversation was getting stranger and stranger. He was going to kill Thorin or maybe Dwalin. Possibly both of them. 

“Fíli,” Bilbo said picking up the flowers he had dropped, “Would I be right in assuming either Thorin or Dwalin has asked you to, erm, hold this conversation?”

“Not exactly,” Fíli said.

“I don’t know what kind of strange dwarven tradition this is,” Bilbo grumbled, “but I am not going to sleep with you.”

“Is it a hobbit thing,” Fíli asked, “I mean do hobbits not have sex until marriage like them men are supposed to? Not that most of them do…”

“No,” Bilbo shouted, “It is not a hobbit thing. Hobbits can tumble with whomever they wish before marriage. I simply never wished to do so. Now, I hope this conversation will remain between us, not that respecting the privacy of others seems to be something you dwarves put much stock in, and I will return these to Ori.”

Bilbo did not even give the prince a chance to answer before he turned on his heel and stomped back towards the house.


	5. A Younger Version

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is furious and fakes illness.

Bilbo was not talking to any more dwarves. That was admittedly rather difficult as he was currently traveling with a Company composed almost entirely of dwarves, but he had made a decision and he was sticking to it.

Fíli had been the last straw. When he had returned the flowers to Ori the dwarf had seemed surprised, but Bilbo refused to explain how he had come into possession of them. He had then walked back outside, walked a little ways away from the house (in the opposite direction of where he knew Fíli to be), climbed a tree, and was currently in hiding. 

He knew it was not the most mature thing to do. In fact it was more like something a fauntling would do not a grown gentlehobbit, but he needed some time alone. The mature thing, he knew, would be to talk to Thorin, adult to adult, and clear the air. He could only assume Thorin was throwing other dwarves at him because the king no longer wanted to be with him and thought that Bilbo would just fall for another dwarf. He huffed. Hobbits may not have soulmates the way dwarves did, but that did not mean he was just going to fall for anyone. 

He knew he would have to go in eventually however as Beorn and Gandalf had told all of them to stay inside when it was dark, but that did not mean he was pleased about it. Perhaps he just needed a game plan. He supposed he could just hide in his bed and refuse to leave it, but he had made a promise and signed a contract. He sighed. Adventures really were quite bothersome things. He felt he was beginning to understand why hobbits did not leave the Shire. However, he was already half way across Middle Earth and he could not be turning back now no matter how frustrating he was finding dwarves to be. 

“Bilbo Baggins,” the calm, and rather amused sounding, voice of Gandalf said, “Is that you up in that tree?”

“You know it is,” Bilbo answered, not in the mood for the maddening conversation Gandalf always seemed to lead.

“Why?”

“To seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense,” Bilbo said quoting the Wizards words from earlier on the journey back to him.

Much to Bilbo’s surprise he heard laughter from below. He could not help it, he smiled as well.

“Had enough of dwarves for one day Mister Baggins,” Gandalf called up once the laughter died down.

“More like enough for a lifetime,” Bilbo groused.

“Perhaps you would care to join me for a smoke then,” Gandalf said and Bilbo hopped down to join the Wizard. Now that he had been spotted he supposed he was safer with the Wizard than anywhere else. 

The two of them settled side by side on a much too large bench outside of Beorn’s home and Gandalf handed him a spare pipe. The two of them were blissfully silent for a few moments, the only noise that of them smoking and blowing the smoke into the air in rings. 

“Dwarves are a very private people,” Gandalf started.

“Oh do not give me another lecture on getting used to dwarves,” Bilbo hissed, “I have had no less than two dwarves proposition me for sex in the past 24 hours. Neither of whom has so far shown any interest in getting to know me as a person.”

At this Gandalf’s eyebrows shot up and for a moment Bilbo basked in the glee of being able to shock the Wizard. 

“That is…” Gandalf took a moment to take a drag of his pipe and blow another ring, “rather odd behavior for dwarves. They love only once.”

“Well they propositioned me for sex not love, Gandalf,” Bilbo said.

“And what did you-“

“I said no of course,” Bilbo said, highly offended that the Wizard would even suggest such a thing.

“I seem to recall hobbits being a rather rambunctious bunch in that regard,” Gandalf said slowly, “Before marriage of course. The pursuit of pleasure and all that.”

“Well not this hobbit,” Bilbo said blushing, “Not that that’s any of your business.”

Gandalf looked at him carefully. “Have you spoken to Thorin about this?”

“Apparently he asked them to,” Bilbo hissed, “I wish I had never signed that contract.”

*

“Bilbo,” Ori’s voice greeted him as he and Gandalf stepped back inside, “I just wanted to thank you for returning my flowers. Fíli apologized for taking them.”

“Great,” Bilbo said, his voice flat. He ignored the rest of the dwarves and headed towards where he had slept the previous night. Perhaps if he was lucky, not that he seemed to have much luck lately, the dwarves would think him ill and leave him be. 

He could hear the dwarves surrounding Gandalf and inquiring about him.

“Mister Baggins is not feeling quite well this evening,” he heard the Wizard say sternly, “You are not to disturb him.” Bilbo had never been so grateful to the Wizard. Now if only he could convince them he was much too ill to ever go near again he would be all too pleased. 

His bedroom, if you could call it that, was set off from others by thin walls that Beorn had erected. Gandalf had told him that he was the only one who had this luxury and he was quite grateful for it. While he had initially had the guilty thought that it should, perhaps, be given to the royalty in their midst he no longer entertained such notions. None of the dwarves had shown any inclination to the finer things in life outside of food and drink after all. Well, and treasure he supposed. 

He quickly and efficiently removed his overcoat and vest. Both were looking rather worse for the wear, but he would hold onto them for as long as he could. It was the principle of the thing. He folded them gently and carefully put them down on the floor. Even though he did not expect he would be able to sleep this early - and he was rather hungry as well - but at least dwarves would hopefully leave him alone. 

After a bit of manoeuvring Bilbo managed to get himself into the bed. It was rather large for one small hobbit, but tonight he relished it. Where the previous evening he had been upset at being left to sleep alone this night he was pleased. 

“Well hello, you did hurry to bed,” a voice said and Bilbo let out a blood curdling scream. A hand clamped down over his mouth. “Hush now,” the voice said, “It’s just me, Kíli.”

“Kíli,” Bilbo said incredulously once the dwarf had uncovered his mouth, “What are you doing in- Oh no. No, no, no. I do not know what has gotten into you dwarves but you are going to get out of my bed and leave me alone. And never bring this up ever again.”

Kíli was the first one to look rather upset at the rejection. Dwalin had seemed neutral and Fíli had seemed confused, but Kíli actually looked sad. “But I do look like a younger version of uncle,” Kíli said hopefully.

“I have no idea why that is supposed to sell me on this crazy idea, but it certainly does not,” Bilbo said, fighting to keep control of his voice.

“Mister Baggins,” Gandalf’s voice broke in, “What has happened? Kíli? What are you doing bothering Mister Baggins?”

Bilbo had not thought it could get worse but apparently it could. He supposed he should only have been surprised that only Gandalf had come with how loudly he had shrieked.

Bilbo groaned and curled himself into a ball under the covers. “Everyone just get out,” he ordered, “Out now.” 

“Sleep well Mister Baggins,” Bilbo heard Gandalf murmur, “Come along Kíli.”

He knew Kíli was still there, could feel his weight on the bed. He was hoping that if he ignored the prince he would take the hint and leave. 

“Bilbo,” he heard the prince say hesitantly.

“Kíli,” Bilbo said tiredly, “Don’t worry. I’ve been reminded how little you dwarves respect me, but please - please just leave.”

“I,” Kíli said, “Of course. Good night Bilbo.”

Bilbo did not know what to do. Would they simply keep throwing dwarves at him? He did not want to sleep with any of them. Once he might have wanted to with Thorin, but now he was not so sure. At the same time, as much as the dwarves were driving him to the brink of insanity, he still had an obligation to the Company. And if he did not tumble with someone it was as good as not fulfilling his contract.

He sighed. Well, if he remembered his maps well enough - and his knowledge of geography was something he very much prided himself on - they would have to pass the Woodland Kingdom of elves. Perhaps he could convince an elf to help him with his problem. The thought was not entirely unappealing, especially after the last couple of days. However, Bilbo did not know if they would actually be spending any time with the elves considering how the dwarves felt about them.

He supposed he would deal with that later. For now he rolled over and hoped that no more dwarves would be forced into propositioning him. After all who would be next? Balin? Nori? Ori? He snorted at this last thought. Dori would probably kill Thorin first.


	6. Intercession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo is suspicious and Ori tries to talk to him.

Bilbo stretched thoroughly. He felt, in all honesty, better than he had in a while. Despite the fact that he still felt little motivation to leave his room he had slept better than he had since leaving Bag End. Having a plush bed, or any bed really, would do that for a hobbit he supposed. 

“Bilbo,” a cautious voice, Ori’s voice, whispered quietly, “I brought you breakfast. I’ll just leave it, um…”

“I can take it Ori,” Bilbo said clearly surprising the dwarf, “I’m awake.”

“Are you feeling any better,” the scribe asked and Bilbo nodded as he accepted the tray of food from the youngest dwarf. “That’s good,” Ori said brightly, “I’ll come get the dishes later. You should keep resting, you don’t want to push it.” Ori, much to Bilbo’s relief, took his leave.

It was not that Bilbo had a problem with Ori. In fact he probably liked the scribe most of all. But he still was not sure he was quite up to facing dwarves. Any dwarves. He just did not know what to do. He could not exactly pretend to be ill forever. He had thought he had made his opinion of this ‘throwing random dwarves at the hobbit’ business clear. If not to Dwalin than certainly to Fíli, but the fact that Kíli had snuck into his bed (his bed of all places!) made it clear that the message had been lost in translation. 

After he had eaten his breakfast he knew he could not put it off any more. He did not know exactly what he was going to do with his day, but he knew he had to leave the room at some point.

“Oh, Mister Bilbo,” he was greeted by the voice of Kíli. He tried not to flinch (or at least not visibly), but he was unsure of how successful he had been. After finding the prince in his bed last night he was, justifiably in his opinion, wary. 

“Good morning Kíli,” Bilbo said trying for an air of confidence, but he heard his faltering all too clearly. 

“Are you feeling better Master Burglar?” 

“Much,” Bilbo said inclining his head towards the thief.

“Would you be up for more burglar training then?”

Bilbo eyed the dwarf suspiciously and immediately hated himself for doing so. He had no reason not to trust Nori (well, other than the obvious fact that the dwarf was a thief of course), but these last couple of days had made him suspicious of anyone and everyone. 

“Some fresh air could do me good,” Bilbo said slowly. He wanted to suggest someone else come with them. He hated it of himself, but he did not want to be alone with any dwarf at this point. However, his options seemed limited. Gandalf was nowhere to be found. Thorin did not seem to want anything to do with him. Dwalin, Fíli, and Kíli were out because of their previous advances. Ori would have been a good choice, but he knew Dori would disapprove. He suspected Balin would disapprove as well. He did not really know Oin or Gloin and thus it would look strange inviting either of them. Bombur seemed to be busy. Bifur could not even speak Westron so he was out. Really his only viable option was Bofur, but asking the cheerful dwarf to accompany them would only raise suspicions. He did not know how many of the Company knew what was going on, but in case any of them did not Bilbo did not want to give them reason to be asking around. 

No. There was nothing for it and so he followed Nori outside.

*

“No, no,” Nori said, clearly frustrated, “What is wrong with you today? It’s like your mind is a million miles away.”

“I’m sorry Nori. Perhaps I’m just tired.”

Bilbo could not blame Nori for his frustration. Bilbo knew he had been skittish and spacey the entire morning. Even though Nori had not tried anything and did not seem to have any other intentions other than to help prepare him for burglary Bilbo was still nervous. 

“I brought lunch,” Ori’s bright voice broke in, “Oh, and Nori, Dori told me he wants to talk to you.” Nori made a face and Bilbo snorted with laughter.

“Go talk to your brother,” Bilbo said, shooing the star haired dwarf away, “A break will probably do us both good.” Nori made another face, but left towards the house while Ori sat down beside Bilbo handing the hobbit his food. 

The two of them ate in silence and Bilbo found himself relaxing. The food really was quite good. He would have to give Bombur his compliments. The dwarf really did do a great deal with what they could find on the road and give him a full kitchen and he could work wonders. 

“Bilbo,” Ori said suddenly and Bilbo felt himself tense, ready for the worst.

“Yes Ori,” he answered tightly. 

“Are you feeling better this morning?”

Bilbo let out his breath with a woosh. 

“Oh, yes,” Bilbo said, “Better I suppose.”

“So will you be sharing your bed with Kíli tonight?”

Bilbo thought that if it were possible for his eyes to pop out of his face they would be doing so. That was not what he had expected Ori to say and he felt himself flush. It was one thing for him to assume that his issue had been shared throughout the entire Company and another for one of the Company to actually talk to him about it. 

To be fair he supposed he should be grateful that someone was actually behaving like an adult and talking about the situation. It was rather humorous that it was the youngest dwarf, but he was starting to form a theory that dwarves became more and more stubborn and rocklike as they aged so perhaps it made a type of sense. He took a deep breath and put his head into his hands for a moment before looking back at Ori seriously. 

“No,” he said firmly, “Kíli will not be joining me in my bed this night or any other. I don’t know what you dwarves are thinking, but I am an adult hobbit and if Thorin no longer likes me that is fine. He does not need to try and find me some sort of… of… replacement.”

“Wait, what!?”

Bilbo jumped when Ori shouted. He had never expected the dwarf to have an ability to be quite that loud.

“Ori,” Bilbo hissed, “Could you please be quieter?”

“Sorry,” the scribe apologized, “But what do you mean Thorin no longer likes you?”

“Ori,” Bilbo said diplomatically, “You’re a smart dwarf. Surely you can’t have missed the fact that Thorin has not said two words to me since we’ve arrived here and has, in fact, sent members of his Company to try and, well, seduce me. At first I thought it was some sort of dwarven test of loyalty, but Kíli tried to sell me on sleeping with him by saying he looked like a younger version of Thorin.”

“Wait, Bilbo,” Ori said, “You mean to say that Thorin hasn’t spoken with you at all?”

“Not since I told him about,” Bilbo flushed one more, “Well I’m sure you know.”

“So you really don’t know…” Ori trailed off.

“Don’t know what,” Bilbo asked irritably. He did not want to take his annoyance out on Ori, but the situation really was quite frustrating. 

“Thorin still likes you,” Ori said, “He’s just an idiot.” Ori looked around, seemingly spooked, or expecting the king to jump out of the bushes at any moment. 

Bilbo snorted. “You cannot possibly have an explanation for this.”

“The simplest explanation is that apparently Thorin isn’t very good at communicating,” Ori said with a sigh, “The longer explanation. Well, I can’t really give you the whole thing, only Thorin can do that, but it kind of has to do with dwarves.”

“Of course it does,” Bilbo said with a huff, “Dwarves. Well, go on then.”

“Well, remember when you were asking Balin about the relationships in the Company?”

Bilbo nodded. It had been early in the journey when he had started to pick up upon the familial bonds between some of the dwarves and asked the older dwarf about it.

“And you remember asking about dwarf women?”

Bilbo’s cheeks heated again in embarrassment, but he nodded.

“Alright, you remember how Balin told you that most dwarves don’t marry?”

Bilbo nodded.

“Alright, so you said that in the Shire most hobbits married and most of them married the opposite sex?”

“Yes,” Bilbo said, rather confused as to where this conversation was going. He had thought they were going to talk about dwarves, but now Ori was asking about hobbits. 

“Well,” Ori said, “So, you know then how some choose not to marry?”

“I wasn’t asking him to marry me,” Bilbo hissed. 

“No, no. Of course not,” Ori said, “See, the thing is, some dwarves just don’t.” Ori paused. “You know, I’m probably not the best person to explain this to you,” Ori said, “Really it should be Thorin.”

“Well he clearly doesn’t want to talk to me,” Bilbo said, “Wait, Ori! Where are you going?”

“I’m going to knock some sense into our stubborn king,” Ori said shortly, “Honestly! Some dwarves…”

Ori continued talking, but the dwarf had stormed off and Bilbo could not make out the words. Bilbo did not know whether he should be grateful to the scribe or aggravated. At least the dwarf had not tried to proposition him.


	7. An Unexpected Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ori explodes and Thorin and Bilbo finally have a long overdue conversation.

“What did you say to Ori,” Bilbo heard Nori’s voice question dangerously.

Bilbo threw his hands up. “I didn’t do anything,” Bilbo insisted, “He came over here and started talking nonsense before storming off claiming he’s going to talk sense into Thorin if such a thing can be done.” Bilbo rather doubted it could, but he certainly was not going to try and stop the dwarf from trying. Especially since the scribe seemed to want to help Bilbo himself.

“You mean my little brother in going to go yell at Thorin,” Nori said seemingly astonished, “Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, future king of Erebor? Dori’s going to have a fit.” Bilbo rather thought that Nori looked much too pleased by this idea. 

“Well, I’m sure he wouldn’t yell at him,” Bilbo said slowly, even though in reality he was far from sure. He would not have expected Ori to yell at anyone really, but the dwarf really had seemed quite angry. 

“What were his exact words,” Nori asked intently and Bilbo struggled to remember.

“Well, he said that he was going to go knock some sense into our stubborn king,” Bilbo said slowly. Suddenly Bilbo had a horrifying thought. “Nori, you don’t think… I mean, Ori wouldn’t actually hurt him, would he? No. I’m just being silly.”

“Come on,” Nori said, grabbing Bilbo’s hand, “Trust me. You do not want to miss this. I’ve only seen Ori go off on someone else once in my life. A dwarf back in the Blue Mountains. Trust me when I say you don’t want to miss it. He may be little, but he is by no means weak. I don’t know why he would be so mad at Thorin, but he was definitely angrier than I’ve ever seen him - even that one time.”

Now Bilbo was worried. Especially since Nori had not actually said that Ori would not hurt the king. But sure Ori would not. Not Ori. 

“THORIN OAKENSHIELD!” 

“Oh come on,” Nori said, dragging Bilbo more firmly and speeding up his strides to the point where Bilbo just gave up and let himself be dragged. “We’re missing the beginning,” Nori complained, “I don’t want to miss any of it. And neither do you.” 

Bilbo was suddenly unsure about that. Maybe he did not want to see this happen at all. He did not seem to have any choice in the matter though as Nori was undoubtedly stronger than him. 

Ori and Thorin came into view and Nori dragged Bilbo so that they were standing near where all the other dwarves were clustered. 

“Here it comes,” Nori whispered. 

Ori and Thorin were standing within arms width of each other and Bilbo found himself torn between closing his eyes tightly or watching intently. 

“What is it, Ori,” Thorin said. He seemed to be taking the scribe seriously, but the king was clearly confused. 

“Don’t you what is it Ori me,” the scribe said loudly, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

“Pretty sure he was just talking to us,” Kíli piped up. 

“You two stay out of this,” Ori snapped at the two princes. Kíli flinched, clearly surprised by the reaction of the scribe. Bilbo found himself surprised as well. Even though Nori had warned him, it was still strange to see the usually tranquil dwarf so angry. The youngest dwarf whirled back to Thorin. “So, what do you have to say for yourself?” He poked Thorin’s chest with a finger in a move reminiscent of angry hobbits back in the Shire.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Thorin said throwing his hands up, clearly finally accepting the fact that the young dwarf meant business. 

“Oh you know exactly what I’m talking about,” Ori countered, “What you’re doing is unfair to you and it’s completely unfair to him. You can be as selfish as you want to be about you, but not to him.” Bilbo flushed as he realized the scribe was referring to him and all the other dwarves clearly knew it too as they looked between Thorin, Ori, and Bilbo quickly. 

“Or-“

“I am not finished, Thorin Oakenshield,” Ori said, cutting the king off, “Acting the way you have been acting the last few days has not only been selfish, but childish and dishonest. Not exactly traits that make for a good king. He is your soulmate Thorin Oakenshild. He does not deserve this. He deserves a dwarf who will act like the adult he claims to be, the leader whose title he assumes. I know communication isn’t your strong point you stubborn dwarf, but you need to talk to him. At this point I’m not sure you do deserve him anymore, but he deserves a say.”

“I-“

“No,” Ori yelled and smacked Thorin on the side of the head. It clearly was not all that hard a smack, but it was still the principle of the thing. Dori, whom had seemed to be frozen before, leapt into action pulling Ori away from the king and murmuring his profuse apologies. “This isn’t about you,” Ori yelled while fighting his older brother from dragging him away, “This is about Bilbo. Dori, let go!”

“I’m so sorry about my brother,” Dori apologized again.

“I’m not sorry,” Ori shouted as he continued to struggle, “You listen to me Thorin Oakenshield-“ The rest of what Ori was saying was muffled as Dori covered his mouth with a hand.

“Again, so sorry,” Dori said, “I’ll talk to him. Expect an apology later.” Even though none of them could make out Ori’s words the dwarf had very clear body language that made Bilbo rather doubt Thorin would be getting an apology. And if he did, Bilbo doubted it would be a particularly sincere one. 

As soon as Dori had dragged Ori far enough that they could no longer hear them Bilbo began to feel rather self-conscious. He looked up and realized everyone was looking at him and felt himself cringing from their gazes. 

“Well, um, Nori,” Bilbo squeaked, “I guess we should get back to preparing.”

“If you say so,” Nori said, but the dwarf sounded unsure for the first time. He turned to Thorin to say something, but the king stomped off. 

*

“I wish to speak to the burglar,” Thorin’s rumbling voice interrupted them. 

“Right,” Nori said and before Bilbo could even open his mouth the sneaky dwarf had disappeared into the trees.

“Privately,” Thorin growled loudly. 

Bilbo swallowed nervously. He had barely spoken to Thorin lately and after Ori’s performance that afternoon he rather wished the ground would open up and swallow him. Or, actually, having experienced that with the goblins it was maybe not quite right, but he was unsure how much he wanted to have this conversation. 

“Thorin,” Bilbo said, twisting his hands in the hem of his jacket, “I swear I didn’t put him up to that.”

“Peace, Bilbo,” Thorin said slowly, “I am not here to yell at you. Ori only said what I needed to hear. He reminds me of my sister in that way in fact.”

“Fíli and Kíli’s mother,” Bilbo questioned.

“Yes,” Thorin answered, “Her name is Dís. Ori has a lot more patience than she does however.”

The two of them sat in silence. Bilbo wanted to say something, but he had no idea what to say. And considering Thorin was the one who wanted to speak to him it was only polite to allow the dwarf to speak first. Time ticked by in silence. Bilbo knew that Thorin could be stubborn, but his patience was beginning to run out. The king had said he wanted to talk, so why was he not talking?

Thorin sighed. “I hope I have not offended you with my actions of late,” Thorin finally said, “Your happiness is important to me, my hobbit, and I was only trying to… to maximize your happiness.”

Bilbo was speechless. He had found that the dwarves had a way of doing that to him. It was like all his hobbit instilled pleasantries fled and he was left with simple disbelief at what crazy things the dwarves did and said. This, however, was perhaps the craziest thing so far. His mouth was hanging open and he snapped it shut with an audible click of his teeth. Thorin was looking at him and Bilbo realized he was waiting for a response though he had not exactly asked a question per se.

“I… I,” Bilbo said, “I appreciate what you were trying to do Thorin.” Bilbo enunciated this slowly and carefully as he chose his words cautiously. “But I was happy before you started… before members of the Company took it upon themselves to, ahem, proposition me.” Bilbo was staring intently at his hands trying his best to keep himself from blushing though he knew he could not help it.

Thorin sighed. “It has come to my attention that this was not the best way to handle the situation,” the king admitted.

“If you don’t want to tumble with me I’m not going to force you Thorin,” Bilbo said finally. He knew it was blunt, but he also had the sneaking suspicion that if he let Thorin direct the conversation they would be there all day. And possibly all night. “I know I have an obligation to this Company. Don’t worry about that. I just thought, well, I know it was a bit sudden to thrust upon you, but it surprised me too. And, I mean, after we told each other of our feelings I thought it wouldn’t be such a horrible thought.” 

“Bilbo,” Thorin gasped, “No, it’s not like that. I swear.”

“Then what is it like Thorin,” Bilbo asked defensively from where he was sitting hunched over and refusing to so much as look at the king.

“Bilbo, I do have feelings for you,” Thorin said, “You are my soulmate.”

“Well then why did you send Dwalin to try and seduce me. And Fíli. And Kíli!” Bilbo realized he sounded a tad hysterical, but he could not help himself. All of the worry and doubt and anger of the past few days was pouring out and he could not contain it. “I know I’m not the most attractive, but-“

Thorin cut him off by pressing their lips together. Bilbo felt his mind go blank for a moment before responding to Thorin’s advances. When they broke apart they were both breathing heavily. 

“You, Bilbo Baggins, are the only one I have ever felt this way about,” Thorin said firmly, “but there is something you should know about me. I should have spoken to you about this earlier, but I did not know how. It is rather common among dwarves, but clearly not among your kind.”

“What is it, Thorin,” Bilbo asked him trying his best not to push the king too hard, but he certainly did want answers.

“You know that dwarf women are few,” Thorin said and waited for Bilbo’s nod of confirmation, “Well Balin told you that many of our kind are dedicated to their craft like some are to other dwarves.”

“Married to their work, yes,” Bilbo murmured, “Are you… like that?”

Thorin shook his head. “No, I wish it were that simple,” the king said running a hand through his long hair, “I thought I was when I was younger and then Smaug came and I was busy leading my people so I didn’t think about it too much.”

Bilbo waited patiently. Clearly whatever Thorin had to say was making him extremely uncomfortable. He almost wanted to stop him now, but he needed to know what was going on. 

“I,” Thorin sighed, seeming to steel himself, “I cannot help you with your problem and so I did what I could by sending the others to you. It is a not uncommon thing among dwarves.”

“Do you mean you can’t, um,” Bilbo squeaked and flushed, “Well, does that mean you have a similar problem?”

Thorin shook his head. “No, I spent much of my youth trying to convince myself that I was not like that, that I was normal,” Thorin admitted, “Which meant having a great deal of unsatisfying sex.” 

“But I thought you said this was common among dwarves,” Bilbo asked, his eyebrows furrowed in thought. He still was not exactly sure what they were talking about here, but at this point comforting Thorin was more important. 

“It is,” Thorin admitted, “but I was of the royal line. It was expected that I would reproduce and so this was a problem. I do not think I was ever so relieved as the day Dís had Fíli.”

“Oh Thorin,” Bilbo said.

“I know I should have been honest with you earlier,” Thorin said, “I was afraid.”

“You never need to be afraid of being honest with me,” Bilbo said, but internally he was panicking. He had no idea what he was going to do. He still was not sure he understood the situation completely, but he understood enough to realize that he had a major problem on his hands. “So, I just want to make sure I understand this. Stop me if I get it wrong.”

“Of course, my hobbit.”

“So you like me still, but you just don’t want to tumble with me,” Bilbo questioned.

“No,” Thorin murmured, “I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, but I’m not a sexual person.” Thorin took a deep breath and let it out. “I understand if you don’t want a relationship with me-“

Bilbo snorted, cutting the king off. “I got along this long without sex Thorin,” he reminded him, “It’s clearly not that important to me. I don’t know what I’m going to do about Smaug though. I am not sleeping with anyone in the Company. Perhaps an elf though.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait between chapters this time. No excuses except that life got in the way. Hope you enjoyed it.


	8. Heated Debate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The need for elven intervention is debated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. I've been kind of writers blocked - I know where I want it to go, but I'm having trouble getting there.

While he may have joked to Thorin about elves Bilbo really had no idea what he was going to do. He knew he would prefer it to be Thorin, but he forced that thought out of his head. It was not going to happen. Thorin did not like him like that. Apparently he did not like anyone like that. Bilbo huffed. He knew he had only himself to blame for this problem. If he had only slept with one of the others hobbits back in the Shire he would not have this issue now. But no, he had wanted to wait to meet someone who he really wanted to tumble with.

“Well that just goes to show you Baggins,” Bilbo muttered to himself, “Pride goes before the fall and all that.” He snorted, but it was not a pleasant feeling. Not at all. 

Bilbo had tossed and turned all night as he realized the full weight of what Thorin had just revealed. He had not been lying when he had said it did not really bother him in the long run, but the short term ramifications were immense not only for him but for the entire Company. And how weird was that! He wondered if it was in the contract somewhere. If the Burglar is a virgin he will be required to engage in sexual intercourse before reaching the mountain. Bilbo laughed at the thought, but just as before it was not a pleasant sound. Not nearly as light hearted as laughter should be. 

“Bilbo,” Ori’s voice broke into his thoughts. After what he had seen with Ori the previous day he had somehow expected Ori to be different, but he was the same quiet dwarf Bilbo had gotten to know during the journey. 

“Hello Ori,” Bilbo greeted.

“Are you alright?”

Bilbo shrugged. 

“Did you and Thorin talk?”

Bilbo sighed and wrapped his arms around his knees.

“Yes,” he said as succinctly as he could, “He explained everything. As well as he can be expected to at least.” 

“So you know he still likes you, right?” 

And was that not just like Ori to sound both tentative and excited at once. Bilbo forced a smile at the dwarf.

“I do, yes,” Bilbo admitted, “However, I do still have a rather large problem to deal with.”

“I’m sure Kíli would-“

“I am not sleeping with Kíli,” Bilbo hissed unsure if any other dwarves were listening to them, “Or any of the others before you ask. I’ll find someone. Maybe an elf or something. There is an elf kingdom somewhere nearby I believe.” 

“Did you tell him that,” Ori asked, eyebrows almost raised to his hairline. 

Bilbo nodded. 

“Well that explains the argument then,” Ori said thoughtfully. 

“What argument?”

“Well Thorin’s trying to convince everyone that we’re going to have to go through the elf kingdom,” Ori explained, “Others want to just go around or through the forest without having to deal with the elves themselves. Can’t say I blame them really.” Ori shrugged. “I’m not all that fond of elves myself. Thorin is trying to tell them all they have to listen to him because he’s the king, but it’s really not working very well. The princes especially are having none of it.” 

Bilbo could only imagine the dwarf brothers arguing with their uncle about having to put up with elves. It was a humorous image, or it would have been if he was not the cause of the arguing royalty. Bilbo sighed. 

“You okay Bilbo?”

Bilbo pushed himself up to a standing position with a shrug and he dusted his trousers off. “Clearly I’ve got to go deal with this,” Bilbo admitted even though it was very much the last thing he really wanted to do, “There is certainly no need for all of you to come with me to the elves. It’s not like you folks have a splendid history between you.”

*

“Uncle, we can’t go into Thranduil’s kingdom,” Bilbo heard Kíli’s heated voice argue as he approached where the dwarves stood arguing. 

“Your nephew is right Thorin,” Balin’s wizened voice agreed, “We do not know how the elves will react, but it is highly likely they will stop at nothing to keep us from returning to the mountain.”

“If that Elrond fellow didn’t want us to, this Thranduil won’t want us to either,” Fíli agreed.

“This is non-negotiable,” Thorin shouted, “We will have more problems if we go the mountain without visiting the elves.” He said this second part more at a more controlled volume. “I’m not particularly pleased about this either.”

“I don’t believe I ever asked any of you to come,” Bilbo interrupted. Admittedly he would rather not go alone, but he also could not imagine the dwarves to be particularly good company when there were elves around. 

“Bilbo,” multiple voices said, the tones ranging from surprised to appalled. Bilbo was nervous with all those eyes on him, but he straightened his spine and tried to look resolute. 

“What are you talking about Bilbo,” Thorin asked, genuinely looking confused.

“I know you don’t like elves,” Bilbo said, “Honestly, it’s probably not a good thing since your kingdoms are in such close proximity, but I’m hardly going to drag all of you into this. There are rather more important things for you lot to be worrying about than diplomacy right now. No, I want to go visit with the elves for personal reasons and I’ll go alone. You all can go on and I’ll catch up. There’s a town on the other side of the Woodland Kingdom, isn’t there?” He knew there was. Or at least there was on all the maps he had back in Bag End. Additionally, he was not even sure he would want the dwarves with him for this. Bilbo was quite certain they knew exactly what he needed to do there and considering Thorin’s attempt to ‘help’ him before, Bilbo wanted him to stay as far away from this as possible.

“Lake Town,” Balin answered.

“That is absolutely ridiculous Mister Boggins,” Kíli said, “I’ll go with you even if no one else will. And if King Tree Shagger wants to try and keep me from going to the mountain, well then I’ll deal with that. I’m sure you can take the mountain back with one less dwarf while I’m working on escaping.”

“Kee,” Fíli said with concern, “You’re not going by yourself. I’m going with you.” 

“We’re all goin’” Dwalin growled, “That’s how this works.” The warrior stalked off. 

Thorin scowled and Bilbo could only imagine that the king was annoyed that Dwalin could do what he had failed in - telling everyone they were going without having to argue about it.

“Well that’s settled,” Thorin said even though he still did not sound thrilled. Although Bilbo was not sure whether that was because of what had just happened or because of the thought of elves. Bilbo had a sinking feeling in his stomach that this was not going to go very well at all. He glanced over at the forest which he knew housed the elves and swallowed tightly before forcing a tight smile onto his features.

“I guess so,” he murmured. 

Thorin stalked off and Bilbo watched after him. Bilbo could not help but feel like even though Thorin had argued for going to the elves, the king was less than pleased with having won the argument. Honestly, Bilbo was not sure he was happy that Thorin had won the argument either.

“We leave at daybreak,” was the last thing Bilbo heard Thorin growl before he was out of earshot. 

“I really could have gone by myself,” Bilbo grumbled to himself.

“You know Uncle wouldn’t have left you to the elves,” Fíli said clapping Bilbo on the shoulder.

Bilbo sighed. “I like elves though.” 

He did not know if Kíli did not hear him or whether he was just choosing to ignore his words, but the prince did not say anything at all.

*

Daybreak came entirely too soon in Bilbo’s opinion. The entire Company was making their way to the forest, upon ponies that Beorn had loaned them. He had said that they would have to leave the ponies before they entered the forest however. As the forest that was home to the Woodland Kingdom drew closer Bilbo became more and more nervous. 

It did not help matters that he was walking behind Thorin and Dwalin who had been arguing in low voices the entire time. Bilbo could not really hear them and every time he thought he could make out a word it ws nonsense. Well, not technically nonsense, he suspected it was the language of the dwarves, but it was certainly nothing he could understand.

“You alright Bilbo,” a voice to his side said. He glanced over at Bofur and shrugged. 

“I know we’re only going this way because of me,” Bilbo admitted, “and it’s obvious no one is happy about it. So, I’ve been better.”

“Nah,” Ori’s voice broke into the conversation, “We’re actively trying to find elves because of you, but we would have had to go through the forest anyway - going around would have taken too much time.” Honestly, that really did take a bit of weight off of his shoulders and he smiled gratefully at Ori. 

The whole group dismounted and Bilbo vaguely noticed that Gandalf was talking to the group because he was, apparently, leaving yet again. Bilbo did not know whether to be annoyed or relieved. He did not know how much the wizard knew of what was going on within the Company, but he would rather the wizard not watch him trying to flirt with elves. 

He froze suddenly. He was going to have to flirt… with elves. He had never even been all that skilled at flirting in the Shire. Sure, a few lasses and lads had flirted with him, but he had rarely encouraged it having not been wanting to lead them on. He remembered Lord Elrond and his ethereal kin in Rivendell and tried to imagine himself, a simple hobbit lad, flirting with one of those creatures. 

“You alright there Mister Boggins,” Kíli’s questioning voice broke into his thoughts.

“Um, I, yes,” Bilbo stuttered, “Yes, of course.” Kíli looked like he did not quite believe him, but the prince did not push the issue either.

“Stay together,” Thorin’s voice boomed, “and try to keep your weapons to yourselves when we see the tree shaggers.” Bilbo snapped out of his momentary stupor. Yes, the idea of him flirting with elves was absolutely ludicrous, but after all the Company was doing for him, well, he supposed it was really for Thorin, but Thorin was doing it for him… Regardless, he realized he needed to take one for the team as it were. 

“Well c’mon then Mister Boggins,” Kíli said clapping him on the back with a grin, “Let’s go find you an elf.” 

Bilbo, it must be said, was very proud that he did not faint at the words. He did, however, blush heartily.


	9. Thranduil's Kingdom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo and the dwarves meet the elves of the Woodland Kingdom.

If Bilbo had not been so worried he would have laughed. The Company, brave souls that they were, had somehow managed to basically walk up to the doors of the Woodland Kingdom and wait to be admitted. Bilbo was unsure whether they had had elves watching their journey through the forest or if they were surprised, but clearly the elves who had been manning the doors were of the latter variety. 

The elves were speechless. And nothing like Bilbo had expected. They were still clearly elves, but their manner seemed somewhat less otherworldly than the elves of Rivendell. Before much could be said, Bilbo and the rest of the Company were being escorted through the halls. Around them Bilbo could hear snatches of conversation in the beautiful elven tongue - mostly elves muttering about dwarves in astonishment. Bilbo did not know whether he had simply gone unnoticed or whether the elves just did not care about his presence and he was not sure which he would prefer honestly. 

“Where d’ya think they’re takin’ us,” Bilbo heard Ori’s voice say. He could tell the young dwarf was trying to sound brave, but he was not succeeding. 

Dwalin’s voice grunted something and then Bilbo heard Balin’s voice reply sounding none too pleased. 

In the meantime Bilbo was looking around at both the elves and the architecture. Both were very impressive in his view. It was very different from Rivendell, but no less beautiful in his mind. And while he had enjoyed the open spaces of Rivendell, it was nice to feel enclosed like he had back in his hobbit hole in the Shire again. 

The group was led into a very large hall and left to their own devices.

“Maybe we’re meant to sleep here,” Kíli suggested, as confused as the rest of them. 

“Not very hospitable, are they,” Fíli noted, “Well, let’s go find you an elf, Bilbo.”

“Don’t think that’ll be happening any time soon,” Nori’s voice broke in, “The door’s locked.” 

At this announcement the previously on-edge dwarves began shouting. Bilbo was not sure who they were yelling at - him or the presumably un-hearing elves, but it was certainly loud. Bilbo covered his ears. He knew it was a sign of weakness, but his ears were sensitive and the Woodland Kingdom seemed to be multiplying the echoes. 

“Turning on each other already,” a cultured voice broke in, “You are not among friends, dwarves. You would do well to remember that.”

Bilbo pushed his way to the front of the group. He knew it had to be an elf who had spoken, but he had no idea where he could have come from.

“Thorin Oakenshield,” the voice said, “I did not expect to see you in my Kingdo- what is this?” The elf had stooped down in front of Bilbo, seemingly noticing the non-dwarven member suddenly.

“I- I am not a what,” Bilbo said, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible, “I am a who. And I am Bilbo Baggins of the Shire.”

“The Shire,” Thranduil said, but his voice had softened, “You are a long way from home, friend.” 

Bilbo blinked. Surprised at the sudden change in tone. He had of course heard the stories, all hobbitlings had, of how the Hobbits descended from the elves and thus the elves felt a natural sort of protection for Hobbits. However, after Rivendell he had brushed it off as simply folly, a story told to young hobbits as a fantasy. Bilbo became even more sure of the truth of these tales when this unfamiliar elf laid a protective arm over him and pulled him close.

“How came you dwarves to have a gentle Hobbit among you,” the elf said, clearly furious though Bilbo could not fathom why, “What have you done to him?”

“Done to me,” Bilbo asked, confused, “Why they haven’t done anything outside of protect me!”

“Protect you,” the elf said, sounding just as confused as Bilbo felt.

“Yes,” Bilbo said steadily, “They’ve saved my life a number of times.” Bilbo felt like he was walking a fine line. There was clearly animosity between this elf and Thorin that Bilbo did not want to aggravate. The elf scowled.

“And how did you come to be in my halls Bilbo Baggins?”

“I asked to come,” Bilbo said. It was technically true even if it was not exactly the whole truth.

“Hobbits don’t leave the Shire,” the elf said suspiciously.

“Well, most don’t,” Bilbo said with a shrug, “but I’ve always been strange for a Hobbit. I’m half Took after all. I’m sure you don’t know what that means but-“

“Any relation to Belladonna Took,” the elf broke in and Bilbo gaped at him.

“My mother,” he said, “How do you know her?” Now it was Bilbo’s turn to be suspicious. 

“Belladonna Took’s son in my halls,” the elf said with a throaty laugh, “and Thorin Oakenshield to thank for it. I never thought I would see the day. I never met your mother Bilbo Baggins, but I heard stories of her exploits from kin in Rivendell. I am honored to host you in my halls.”

“And my friends,” Bilbo asked, nervous suddenly. He had realized there was no love lost between the dwarves and the elves, but the elf had sounded ready to shut them all up in the dungeon earlier. 

There was a twitch of the mouth of the elf. “Your friends will be made welcome as well. I will have rooms prepared.” He did not seem overly pleased about it, but as long as he stuck to his word he could be as cross about it as he wished.

“Thank you,” Bilbo said, “Um, you have me at a disadvantage, you know who I am, but I know not who you are…”

“Ah Bilbo Baggins,” the elf said, finally dropping his arm from Bilbo’s shoulder and standing to his full height once more, “I am Thranduil, the King of Mirkwood.” Before Bilbo could say anything more the elf had swept from the hall leaving the door open behind him. 

“What just happened,” Bilbo asked aloud.

“It appears that we are in your debt once more,” Balin’s voice said clearly, “I have no doubt had it not been for your presence we would be sitting in an elven prison right about now.”

“Good going Mister Boggins,” Kíli said with a grin. Bilbo could not help but think that if it were not for him they also would never have stepped foot inside the elvish kingdom so it really evened out in the end.

*

“Bilbo, I think I’ve found you an elf,” Kíli said gleefully. The entire Company had been installed in a set of rooms that even happened to be dwarf sized. It was, of course, still a little large for Bilbo, but much more manageable than the elf sized things he had seen along the way. 

“That’s great Kíli,” Bilbo said though he suspected it sounded as lacklustre as he felt about it.

“Her name is Tauriel,” Kíli said, “and she’s beautiful. For an elf I mean.”

“Idiot,” Fíli said.

“What!?”

“Bilbo doesn’t want a girl elf,” Fíli said with a roll of his eyes, “If he wanted a girl do you really think he’s be into Thorin?”

“Oh,” Kíli said, “I guess you’re right. Sorry Bilbo.”

Bilbo was not even sure what to say. Honestly, he had never had a preference for lasses or lads, but knowing the mechanics of what he would have to do with said elf he could not help but think that a lass might be a better choice. But he suspected if he said that it would cause problems so he simply shrugged noncommittally. 

“You must be Bilbo Baggins,” a voice greeted and Bilbo jumped in shock. He whirled around to see another blond elf staring at him curiously.

“I am, yes,” Bilbo said, “And you are?”

“I am Legolas,” the elf said, “and I would ask you to walk with me.”

Both Kíli and Fíli were looking at Bilbo expectantly. And Bilbo could not help but think he had spied at least one dwarf peeking around the corner at them. Bilbo took a deep breath. He knew what was expected of him, what he had to do. 

“That sounds… wonderful,” Bilbo said trying for a flirty tone. He was quite certain it did not work considering Fíli was having a coughing attack that sounded suspiciously like trying to cover up laughter. Legolas gave the dwarf a strange look before turning back to Bilbo with a small smile before motioning for the hobbit to follow him.

They walked in silence for a few minutes. The only noise the whispers of elves looking on. Bilbo knew he was a novelty here, but he did not think it was quite proper for the elves to be watching him so. 

“So, um, Legolas,” Bilbo started, trying vainly to think of something flirty to say. His mind was blank. 

“How did you happen to meet dwarves,” Legolas asked him suddenly, “And those particular dwarves at that?”

“Well, I mean, I suppose it was the same way anyone else would meet dwarves,” Bilbo said, “I was looking for an adventure.” It was not true of course, it was in fact completely the opposite, but Legolas did not need to know that. And besides, if he wanted any chance with this elf he needed to be more than a soft, scared hobbit of the Shire. 

“And have you gotten your adventure,” he asked curiously.

“Well, not entirely,” Bilbo said fluttering his eyelashes up at the elf. It must be said that he felt like a complete idiot, but he came here to flirt and flirt he would. 

“Oh, and what is it that has been missing,” Legolas asked, clearly humoring him.

“I don’t know how much you know about hobbits,” Bilbo said trying to straddle a line between informative and coy, “but while we may not often leave the Shire we are adventurous about some things. It would, of course, be unseemly to adventure with ones travel companions, but, well, I am a hobbit.”

Legolas was looking at him with a rather scandalized look on his face. Bilbo knew that he had just implied that he was sexually adventurous - or at least that is what he thought he had implied - and hoped sincerely that he was not blushing vociferously. 

“That you certainly are Bilbo Baggins.”

Bilbo did not know what exactly that meant. He was not sure whether it boded well for him or not, but they had returned back to the rooms the king had given them and Legolas left him with a bow and good wishes for his sleep.


End file.
